This year I went months (months!) without suffering a migraine. 

Respite, relief and disbelief were my experience in those months and I eventually began to feel like a ‘regular’ person; making plans, going out alone, having a social life. And, if I didn’t know what it is like to live with migraine, I might have said, “ Great! Look at you go. Now you can do everything you’ve ever wanted.”

But that didn’t happen.

Because what never left me during those migraine-free months, was fear; the fear of suffering a surprise migraine and of being caught off-guard while I was out enjoying the world. I lived every day on edge, fearing the migraine that could be just around the corner, believing (knowing) I needed to be wary, on the look-out for prodromal signs and making sure I didn’t ‘over-do it’. 

As the months passed and I became more confident in my newfound migraine-free lifestyle, I became aware of how much my life had become surrounded by, and guided by, fear. I recognized the enormous number of daily (hourly) calculations I was making to manage fear, and I started to wonder if it was all necessary. I wondered too, if I was negatively affecting my health. Had I been overreacting to this condition called migraine?

And whereas I had the self-awareness to ask these questions of myself, I’ve not yet found any hard answers. Because once that streak-breaking migraine hit and the magical respite I’d been having from migraine ended, I remembered: the fear IS REAL. 

I’m afraid of the incapacitation caused by migraine, the helplessness, the pain. The fear of all these things is real and, for now, it’s still with me. 

So each day, I am sure to make time for coping. I make time to see beyond the fear and migraine that live with me and I remind myself that these things- powerful as they are- cannot and must not overwhelm my identity.

---

---