Stability
I realized this morning that I’m stuck.
I’m stuck and I’m breaking, trying to make sense of the world amidst the chaos of every day; the financial anxiety (how long can we hold out like this?), concern for the future (is this year, 2020, an indicator of the world we have to look forward to?), personal disappointments (the never-ending quest to reconcile the complexities of identity and fitting in) and on, and on.
It feels as though I should be doing more, as though I should be getting out in the world, changing it for the better and ensuring my place as a contributing member of society. I’m looking for a way to stabilize what’s happening around me, and after years as a freelance creator, the one thing I keep returning to (because this is what I’ve always been told), is that getting a ‘real job’ will make me feel better; that joining the status quo will make everything more manageable.
So I imagine myself out in the world, working a regular schedule and living a ‘normal’ life (as normal as can be, right now). And it feels good and it’s exciting and I think- yes! this is the change I need.
And then I remember, (how could I forget?), the migraines. The migraines that are the darkness hiding in every scene of my adult life, the roadblock to every plan. I’ve forgotten, and how could I? There is no regular in my days and I can’t fix anything by taking on a ‘normal’ role in the world.
And though I know there are many others who are in the same boat, what I see, (all I see), is the successful people of my community, adapting to their limits and making the best of the bad, moving forward and prospering, getting on and carrying on.
I’m disappointed in who I’ve become, lost and unsure, wondering what essential skill or quality of character or strength I lack, that I can’t carry on as the rest of the world does. And I have no answers today. But I’ll keep looking for now; working to make the best of the bad, move forward, prosper, and get on and carry on with this life, amidst the chaos of every anxious and concerning everyday.
** Please note: My posts may contain affiliate links. If you buy something through one of those links, you won’t pay a cent more, but we’ll get a small commission, which helps keep the lights on. Thank you! and have a great day.
